


Peter Parker's Dating Dilemma

by WebbedUpKatanas



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Peter is an awkward dork
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-15
Updated: 2014-08-15
Packaged: 2018-02-13 07:39:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2142699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WebbedUpKatanas/pseuds/WebbedUpKatanas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Peter sucks at romance, and Wade is almost as clueless as him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Peter Parker's Dating Dilemma

In retrospect it may have been a bad idea bringing Wade to a fancy restaurant, Peter thinks as he pauses to throw a glass of water on a tablecloth which is cheerfully burning in the chaos.

To be fair, it isn’t entirely Wade’s fault. He had actually been behaving quite well, despite his protestations at the lack of anything deep-fried on the menu and his constant uncomfortable flirting with the waitress.

It’s when Bullseye comes looking for him that things start to go wrong.

A quick duck into the bathroom, and one costume change later Peter starts herding civilians out before joining the fight. Afterwards Wade swears he has no idea why he was after him except that ‘he’s a psychopath who wasn’t hugged enough as a child’, which is probably true, but it’s still suspicious nonetheless.

Peter decides to webswing home, offering Wade a ride because that’s what a gentleman would do. Only he’s starting to wonder if he’s doing something wrong, because Wade won’t stop babbling, and he’s not talking about Peter.

“Damn, that waitress chick was into me too. Maybe I should go visit her at the hospital? Heal her with the power of love,” Wade muses as he reattaches an ear.

Peter just sighs in exasperation, wondering not for the first time if Wade even realizes that this night was meant to be a date.

He may not be the king of social interactions, but he’s had enough experience to assume he did it right. He’s even held the door open for him all night, though he drew the line at pulling out his chair for him.

It’s possible Wade’s gender has tripped him up. Haltingly requesting that Gwen join him for dinner on a Friday night equals date, but he can sort of see how asking Wade might just amount to a really formal bros night.

Now would be the time to complain about him flirting with other people, to hint at the nature of his invitation to dinner in the first place.

“She’s got a broken arm and was shot in the foot Wade. Leave her alone,” he says instead.

Oh well, he’ll just have to try again.

Maybe next week he thinks, as Wade begins belting out the 80’s power ballad “The Power of Love.” Loudly. Directly in his ear.

He cringes. 

Maybe the week after.

……….

The next three times he asks Wade out are all flops. Turns out the mercenary doesn’t like bowling (neither does Peter, but according to MJ a hot date spot. Who knew?), he would rather saw his arm off than go to any of the movies Peter suggests, and though they do go to a coffee shop Wade spends the entire time downing coffee like there’s no tomorrow and throwing things at the other customers. Though his healing factor regulates that sort of thing pretty quickly, Peter still has to deal with the terrible five minutes of caffeine buzz that results in an incident of indecent exposure (Wade), a twisted ankle (Peter) and one long and terrible iced coffee shower (every single patron of the shop).

All in all there is a serious lack of romance going on, which is why Peter decides he needs to step up his game.

If Wade isn’t interested in traditional dates, he’ll just have to think outside of the box.

The shooting range works a bit better, although Wade makes the owners incredibly uncomfortable with his assertion that shooting targets just isn’t the same. (“There’s no fun squishy bits Peter! You need to hit the squishy bits! That’s the best part!).

Peter’s shooting definitely impresses Wade though, which probably isn’t a good thing, but when Wade looks at him with those wide awe-filled eyes he finds it hard to care.

“Right in the centre Petey. Every time. You sure you don’t wanna borrow one of my guns some night? If you did that to Ock we could be having calamari for dinner tonight,” Wade says excitedly, bounding along behind him as the range owners wave goodbye in relief.

“No Wade. No killing,” he scolds, giving him a light smack that he awkwardly turns into a weird caress. Smooth Parker. Real smooth.

“Right well I should get go-”

“So did you wanna come ov-”

They both grind to a painfully awkward stop.

“Okay well if you’ve gotta go,” Peter speaks up first, already cursing himself as Wade wavers reluctantly by his side.

'At least kiss him,' his inner monologue screams at him.

“Yeah okay. It’s been fun baby boy,” Wade replies, spinning on his heel just as Peter tries to lean in for the kiss, leaving him awkwardly leaning towards nothing with comically pursed lips.

“You should really get a gun though Petey. I could get you one cheap,” he calls over his shoulder as he saunters away. Peter thanks his few remaining lucky stars that Wade doesn’t turn around and witness his weird air kissing moment.

“If I got a gun the only person I’d be shooting is you Wade,” he calls back cheerfully, despite the sinking feeling in his chest.

Wade spins around and flips him off with a wide grin before twirling back around to waltz away down the street.

Peter sighs loudly and heads home to do some research.

……….

 

Research turns out to be an hour of searching websites aimed at teenage boys, two hours of moping, one hour of shamefully pretending the porn stars he’s watching are him and Wade, and another hour of fretfully trying to get Wade off of his mind so he can get some sleep.

Like all good ideas, the thought hits him right on the cusp of sleep, jolting him awake with glee.

If he’s going to woo Wade he needs to pull the oldest move in the book. The universal sign of romantic intent; one which can’t possibly be misinterpreted. Laying back down with a happy sigh Peter rolls over and tried to get to sleep. ‘Tomorrow,’ he thinks to himself blissfully. ‘Tomorrow I’ll buy Wade flowers.'

……….

 

Peter gets nervous halfway to Wade’s place.

This is stupid.

He should never act on decisions he makes while sleep deprived.

He just knows Wade’s going to laugh at him. And boy wont that just be the icing on the cake of rejection he’s about to face.

At least he hadn’t gone with actual flowers. It had seemed too ridiculous in the bright garrishly lit floral shop. Roses and daisies and all sorts of soft pink blooms had all felt wrong as a gift for someone like Wade.

Thankfully, the lady behind the counter had been lovely and utterly patient, helping him reject vase after vase of flowers until he had finally spotted the perfect thing, tucked away in a dusty corner looking forlorn and utterly unwanted.

He arrives at Wade’s and lets himself in, praying that he will be fully clothed and entirely unharmed for once. It’ must be his lucky day because Wade is standing in the kitchen, having an intense stare down with a whisk.

“Did the whisk offend you somehow Wade? Don’t tell me. You were making eggs and it attacked you, right?” Peter quips, hopping up to sit on the counter beside him.

“And it was completely unprovoked too,” Wade cries, tossing the fiendish utensil over his shoulder carelessly. “What brings you here Petey? Couldn’t resist my raw animal magnetism?”

“Something like that,” Peter replies.

The look Wade gives him when he stands up and thrusts the plant into his arms is priceless. It sort of makes him wish he had brought his camera.

“What’s this?” Wade asks, holding it in both hands at arms length.

“A plant,” Peter replies carefully.

For two people who pride themselves on their conversational wit, they always seem to end up having these two word conversations, which is frustrating to no end.

Wade glares. “I can see that” he says, eyeing the plant suspiciously keeping it an arms length away from himself.

Peter’s anti-social coping mechanism kicks into gear when he realizes they may be sort of stuck in this conversation. Unfortunately for him and the many who had been subjected to it over the years, his coping mechanism is to assert his strengths, mainly his knowledge.

“It’s actually an herb if you want to be picky. Chlorophytum Comosum. Native to Africa but a lot of people in America have them as houseplants and…”

Wade is looking at him like he’s sprouted extra arms (‘never again’ he thinks to himself with a shiver), and Peter suddenly realizes he’s talking science while attempting romance. Never a good plan as he’s learned throughout the years. Especially with Wade Wilson.

“It’s uh… it’s a spider plant. Usually people buy flowers but I thought this was more fitting.”

He can hear a clock ticking in the silence that follows. A car horn goes off outside, and he’s pretty sure there’s a fly buzzing, caught between a curtain and the window. The sound of him swallowing nervously is loud in his ears, and Wade just keeps looking uncertainly between him and the plant.

When Wade finally speaks it’s all Peter can do to stop himself from sighing in relief.

“Stop me if I’m wrong here, and let’s face it I’m probably so very wrong here… but has all of this been some sort of attempt to… seduce me?”

“Well, I’d call it romancing rather than seducing, but pretty much,” Peter rubs the back of his head nervously

Wade does a double-take, sticking a finger in his ear to clean it out for dramatic effect. “Say wha? You… you’ve been romancing me?”

Peter looks pointedly at him. “Took you long enough to figure that out,” he chuckles nervously.

“Peter you’re an idiot!” he exclaims. It’s not quite the reaction Peter was hoping for.

“Don’t tell me you’re actually this stupid,” he continues, unfazed by Peter’s offended expression. “No. There’s no way you, Peter the Nerdy Genius could possibly be dumb enough to think he actually needs to convince me to date him. You’ve gotta be a skrull or a really fucking stupid clone or something…”

Peter cuts him off with a relieved and enthusiastic kiss. It’s kind of weird actually, because Wade is still sort of talking, and Peter is incredibly nervous, but after a few moments they manage to find their stride, so much so that Peter’s having a lot of trouble breathing by the time they break apart.

Wade holds him by his shoulders at arm’s length, studying his face with a look of wonder. That wonder lasts about three seconds before Wade’s expression shifts to something that looks almost offended.

“Are you telling me we could have been fucking this entire time?!”

Peter laughs, pulling the merc into a tight hug that ends in another bruising kiss.

“C’mon,” he laughs, pulling Wade by the hand towards the bedroom. “It seems I’ve got a lot of making up to do.”


End file.
